THE FOUR "R": THE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES OF PUNISHMENT IN CHILDREN

A few days ago we analyzed the negative consequences that the application of "time out" and "the thinking chair" may have, two behavioral modification strategies, often used by some families and schools, to correct a certain child behavior.

Among these consequences is the appearance of the 4R's of punishment, as it is known in Positive Discipline. Lorena García Vega, pedagogue, Montessori guide and child and family educator, explains what this is about, and how punishment can affect children psychologically.

"Resentment, revenge, rebellion and withdrawal: the four R's of punishment"

According to the Positive Discipline, when we punish a child, the four R's associated with punishment may appear, whose effects can have a negative impact, both in the short, medium and even long term. This is what Lorena García explains:

In Babies and more "Time out" and "thinking chair": an expert in positive discipline explains why we should not use these methods

Resentment

Resentment, or resentment, is the feeling that remains after a fact or saying that has been offensive to us, and that can last over time or even appear when such offense is remembered.

"If we transfer it to what the child feels when he is cathed, for example in the corner or thinking chair, it would translate into something like: "What happened to me is unfair. I don't deserve it." - explains the expert.

Rematch

Revenge is the feeling of compensation or revenge for a damage or injury received. When we punish the child, he would think: "My parents have now got away with it, but they will see later"

Rebellion

Rebellion is a behavior characterized by resistance or defiance of authority, disobedience of an order or breach of an obligation. If we extrapolate this definition to what a child feels when he is punished, it would be:

"I'm going to do just the opposite of what my parents want me to do, to show them that I don't have to do this as they say."

Retreat

It is a condition of a person's character, which makes him uncommunicative and shy. Lorena explains that before the punishment of a child, withdrawal leads him to feel / think two things:

On the one hand cowardice, which in turn will cause the child to lie to us: "Next time they won't catch me"
And on the other hand, reduced self-esteem, since if the child has acted unwittingly and is punished, a negative image of himself can be created.

"The child comes to believe that he is a bad person"

Lorena explains that when the adult punishes the child, it tends to play unconsciously with your emotions in several ways:

On the one hand, withdrawing affection, which is often verbalized with phrases like: "I don't love you anymore!"
On the other hand, depriving you of doing what you want most, like playing, attending an excursion, having free time and leisure time with the family ...
And finally, not accepting the affection shown by the child, with phrases such as: "Now don't come to kiss me or apologize, you've behaved badly!"

"This generates in the child an unfit image of himself, even coming to believe that he is a bad person (because we are making him see that) and, therefore, to act as such."

"When we punish, our children end up obeying us out of fear"

Another of the negative points of the punishment that Lorena points out is that many children end up obeying for fear of reprisals from adults, not because they have really learned how they should act in a given situation.

"It may happen that the child becomes addicted to approval and to always be complacent, but only because he fears that his affection may be withdrawn or punished. In this case there would be no learning; that is, actually the child is not obtaining any significant consequence to his actions and he is becoming a complacent subject with fear of rejection ".

In Babies and more How to teach our children that punishment doesn't matter, but the consequences of their actions

"But above all: why do we have to make the child feel bad?"

"Where do we get the crazy idea that, in order to make a child behave better, we must first do it through punishment, shouting and anger, feeling worse?"

"I love this phrase of Positive Discipline, because if we reflect on it we will realize that the same thing happens to adults. If for example, at work they make us feel bad and our boss yells at us or humiliates us, we probably block ourselves, we demotivate ourselves and everything ends up getting worse"

"But nevertheless, everything changes if our boss tries to understand us or at least listen to us. If you allow a dialogue based on a horizontal relationship, it respectfully tells us where we have failed, and also trusts us to be able to solve it, we will surely feel much better, safer and willing to solve the problem autonomously ".

In Babies and more Children also have bad days: understand them and help them deal with it

In short: "the punishment is ineffective in the long term"

But, as if all these negative consequences were few, there are many experts in psychology and pedagogy who also warn that punishment is not an educational method, even though it is still very normalized in society today, as part of the education that children should receive.

"I realize on a daily basis how complicated it is to make people understand the long-term inefficiency of the punishment, in addition to the negative consequences it has," says Lorena.

"People believe that punishment works, and indeed it is, since it stops or blocks the child's misconduct immediately. But this effectiveness occurs only in the short term, and as with the punishment the child does not find meaning or learning, he will repeat repeatedly the unwanted behavior that has led the adult to punish him "

"Meanwhile, parents don't know what else to do, because they realize that the punishment is losing strength and impact over time. And, before punishing, we should think about the long-term consequences, as well as our ultimate goal, which is to end that bad behavior forever "

How to educate without punishing

Educating our children without physical or psychological punishment, without comparisons, without screaming, and without blackmail or threats, is possible. The Positive Discipline gives us the keys to it, although Lorena insists on the importance of being patient and trusting the results, because it is a job with long-term objectives:

"The Positive Discipline is an educational philosophy that is not humiliating, neither for the child nor for the adult. What he wants is for the child to learn to act under his self-control, since he has the tools and the understanding to do so, as well as to understand the consequences of his actions. "

In Babies and more The American Academy of Pediatrics is blunt against scourges: 10 keys to education without punishment or shouting

Act with empathy: Empathy is the queen of all relationships, without empathy there can be no real relationship. If we do not do this empathic exercise with the children, we can never understand them and, therefore, we will not know what they really need and why they act in one way or another.
Learn to know and manage our own emotions, to set a good example for the children: Children are sponges that absorb everything, and parents are their best and main model.
Emotionally accompany the children, and offer our support regardless of the reason they were angry or frustrated. This does not mean that we have to applaud any wrong fact, but to make the child see that we are there, and that although we do not share his way of expressing anger, we are here to guide them along the path with common sense and coherence.
Dialog in a positive way Y practice active listening: It is important to be aware that we must respect our children at all times, words matter and not only what we tell them, but also how. You have to talk quietly, with a calm and positive tone of voice, looking into your eyes and putting yourself at your height.

In Babies and moreEducation without shouting is possible if you propose: eight keys to educate your children without shouting

Teach the children learn from their mistakes and face the consequences of their actions: The Positive Discipline visualizes the error as a wonderful learning opportunity, since all failures, faults or errors can be repaired. To do this, we must involve the child in the search for a possible solution, and hold him accountable for his actions and the consequences they have for others.

Photos | iStock, Pixabay

Acknowledgments | Lorena García Vega - ConnectEmotions