One of the major tests to which couples undergo is that of time to have children. Suddenly, overnight, the routines of the two change, also their schedules, their responsibilities and privileges, and both must adapt to the new situation as soon as possible so that everything goes as well as possible.
The problem is that this does not always happen, and although some couples are moving forward, others begin to have problems and discussions for different reasons: whether to catch it or not to catch it when it cries, if to raise it that way or raise it like that, whether to put it in bed or not of parents at night in case they sleep better, if one is more tired than the other for the day he is carrying, if you are not doing well with the baby, etc.
The fact is that most of the discussions are related to the way of doing things with the baby, but especially for how things are said, by the ways. Therefore, if in your house it happens to you that you argue often and end up badly because you tell yourself what you think so that the other feels bad, maybe you could try the hamburger technique.
The hamburger technique?
I know it sounds fatal, but it is nothing more than a name that I have given to an assertive communication technique, which is great for me to remember. It is a way of saying that the important thing about the message is the hamburger meat, but before giving it to bite you must offer the bread. Come on, that meat alone can be a bit strong and bread softens the flavor.
In Babies and more Parents who quarrel impair their children's ability to recognize and regulate their emotionsA few days ago I told you about the men who barely get involved in the care of their children because mothers hardly let them do it. That withdrawal, that taking away responsibility, is an escape to avoid conflict: "I don't do it my way because I know you're going to get angry, so, or I don't, or I do it only according to your guidelines and norms." In this way many men are only executors of women's orders. And until they don't have the specific order, they don't execute it:
- Dress them up to go to school, run, they don't arrive.
- What I will put in to them?
- Anything… a shirt and pants.
- No, not anything, I don't want to wear them twice. Tell me what to wear.
- Oh, really, well look, this and this, that I have to do everything ... so you help me nothing.
This solves a conflict, that of arguing because he does not do things as she would like them to be done, but adds another, that of a woman who is suffering, because she feels that it must be she who controls everything.
Well, both in this example and in many others, of discussions between couples, problems usually come when one tells the other that he has done something wrong and that "you always do it wrong", that "I can't count on you", "I was confident that you could do this", "I already told you that this is not the case ...", "you cannot do this because ...", "you know how It bothers me that ... "or" for once again do not do so because ... ".
The recipient may not take it very well to judge his way of raising his son in that way, when he is probably trying to do the best he can or the best he knows, and a conflict that could have been avoided with the hamburger technique can start .
In Babies and more The 13 daily discussions you will have with your partner when you are a parentFirst bread, then meat and bread again
Well, the issue is to be able to say things without the other getting angry enough to start a discussion. First some bread is given, something like a thank you; then the meat is given, the problem we are seeing; and finally he puts the other piece of bread, which is a possible solution.
Thus, it is not the same to say:
You already have the child crying again. Bathe it more carefully, than to do so almost better don't do it.
What to say:
I love watching you spend time together, but it seems to me that the child likes to bathe with a little more calm. What do you think if you play a little while taking advantage of the fact that it is in the water?
The first bread is to tell him that you like them to be together. Meat is the problem, which he is bathing it in a hurry and the boy gets nervous. The second bread is a possible solution.
Let's see another example. It is not the same to say:
Stop yelling at the child that you make him more nervous. He is small and still does not know what he can and cannot touch. If I get to know what you were going to wear like that, I don't leave you alone.
What to say:
I think that these afternoons together can go very well, but the child is small and if he is alone he looks for what to have fun with; Besides, if you yell at him, you will feel bad when he was just exploring. And if another day you take advantage to do more things together? This way you will not have it touching what you should not touch and so you will see what it is that you enjoy most.
I'm not saying that the other person says yes to everything, but it's a way of start a dialogue, when otherwise what is usually started is a discussion.
The hamburger technique led to feelings
Sometimes it is not what the other does, but what it tells you. If someone It makes you feel bad about how you take care of your baby, or even if you're the other party and it's hurting you because it tells you that you should do it differently, you can also use this technique:
You should not take your son in your arms so much because you are going to spoil him. Then it will cost you a lot that is independent.
To which you respond:
I thank you for worrying about me and my son (bread), but when you tell me that I should not take him in my arms you make me feel bad, as if you question my ability to do well with my son (meat), I wish I could taking care of my son as I feel without feeling judged (bread).
The last bread is just a soft way of saying that, please, Do not give me your opinion if I have not asked for it, let alone to judge me.
The last:
I understand that you want the best for the baby, but I prefer to do it my way; When you insist that I should do it differently, I feel that you tell me that I am incapable, that I am not serving, and I do not want to feel that way when taking care of my baby. Maybe it would help me if you were with me a little while I take care of him, and so I can see how you would do it, in case it can serve as a reference.
In Babies and more I now understand why many couples separate when they have childrenAs you can see, in this case we talk about how we feel. And that has no possible debate, because Feelings are always genuine: nobody can deny you what you feel. So if we are able to explain how we feel we will have a lot of ground gained, because in reality, within a couple, nobody wants to make the other feel bad (unless you have a toxic partner, those who enjoy becoming the indispensable , at the cost of always getting up to the bitumen).
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | Discuss in front of the children. It is not always necessary to avoid it, Being a dad: when having a child uncovers the box of thunder, Parents who fight harm their children's ability to recognize and regulate their emotions
