Politicians talk a lot about "the family," but what do they really mean when they use this term? What is a modern family like and how does it compare to that of ten, 20 or even 30 years ago?
In this series of ten chapters, we examine some important changes in family and personal relationships, as well as the way in which we influence the laws, politics and our idea of ourselves.
What is the best way to raise a child?
Many books have been published on this topic and there are several authors who insist on coining new terms to describe ways to raise children. It turns out that there are many styles, but some of the most famous are:
- The tiger parents: They seek above all that their children succeed, but it is about what they understand by success.
- The helicopter parents: They take the reins of all aspects of the child's life.
- The snowplow parents: Remove obstacles to make life easier for your child.
- The poultry: They allow children a lot of freedom.
- The attachment or soft parents: They don't give it much importance but they put limits according to the needs and character of the child.
Psychologists often speak of paternity according to various typologies based on the work of Diana Baumrind, a clinical and evolutionary psychologist famous for her research on the different styles of raising a child.
In general, it is understood that there are four typologies:
- The authoritarian parents as an authority figure in the lives of their children. They set the rules and if they say "jump" your child answers: "How high?" (They are the most similar to the tiger parents).
- The permissive parents They are not strict about their expectations, do not set standards and do not ask for much from their children.
- The negligent parents They are not interested in their children and do not want to take part in the lives of their children.
- The authoritative parents They are very demanding and in turn very receptive.
One of the main criticisms of these typologies is that they depend on each culture. What does science say about the pros and cons of each of these parenting styles?
Tiger parents
CC BY-ND Type of parent: expects the first to be obeyed, wants excellence in every effort and that the child never responds.
Who coined the term? Amy Chua popularized this name in her 2011 book Battle Anthem of Mother Tiger. Chua describes tiger parents, often from Chinese families, as superior to western parents. Chinese parents use force and do not cut themselves when insulting their children. They are parents who assume that their children owe them a lot and expect them to be grateful by being obedient and making them proud.
Why do parents choose this style? As Chua says, tiger mothers are like that because of their cultural background and when they demand maximum effort in an hour of piano class the child is fulfilling part of his cultural background. It would be difficult for Western parents to change their cultural perspectives until they can adapt a similar model.
Parents who follow these guidelines want their child to succeed first and foremost may have deep insecurities about the future. Most likely, these types of parents are rather authoritarian.
The advantage of raising a child in this way is that it can make him more productive, more motivated and more responsible.
The disadvantage is that children may have problems with normal tasks or when adapting to new experiences, something that can cause depression, anxiety and poor social fitness. However, it is something that also depends on the culture.
Helicopter parents
CC BY-ND Type of parent: He intervenes every time his son has a problem, gets too involved in his education and calls his teachers often. The behavior does not cease during adolescence.
Who coined the term? Psychologist Foster Cline and educator Jim Fay coined the phrase in 1990 in their book: Being Parents with Love and Logic. In this book, helicopter parents are described as those who confuse love for their children with not letting them do anything for themselves. Another way to describe the behavior of these parents is that of "excessive overprotection."
Why are there parents of this type? These parents are prone to fear for the future of their children just like the tiger parents. In this case, parents cannot trust their child's ability to orient themselves around the world and being always available they think they are going to prevent something bad from happening to their children.
These parents are probably a mix between authoritarian and permissive, but there is little research about it.
The advantages are that these parents can be overprotective: they can save their children or teenagers from certain unforeseen events.
The cons are that children may lack the capacity for emotional recovery and independence, something that can leave adult sequels. A child of a helicopter parent may have an inability to control their behavior.
There is even a forum on Reddit dedicated to the worst aspects of growing up with helicopter parents. The stories include a 21-year-old whose father accompanied him at the time of exercising in a popular jury because he did not trust that he could do well. The father was finally expelled from the room a security guard and caught a tantrum.
Snowblower parents or excavator
CC BY-ND Type of parent: strives to remove all obstacles that arise from your child along the way. They are the typical ones that complain to the director of the school to get a different teacher or that they bribe the coach so that their son has a place in the team.
Who coined the term? Apparently, the term was coined by former high school teacher David McCullough. In 2015, he published the book You Are Not Special where he asked parents to step aside and let their children fail. It is based on a 2012 graduation speech he gave to his high school students.
Why are some parents of this style? Perhaps they think that their children are exceptional or too good to lose and that is why they apply this kind of education to their children. As for the typology, it has aspects of authoritarianism, since they demand success (after all, they have removed all obstacles from their children's path for something). However, they also have a high degree of permissiveness.
What the research says: There is no empirical evidence regarding parents with snowplow personality type. However, there are a lot of blogs and articles dedicated to the subject.
Having said that, The pros and cons are probably similar to those of the helicopter parents. These parents can help children feel safe and secure, but they can also encourage children to become believers or narcissists.
Poultry
CC BY-ND Type of parent: believes that his role is based on trusting his son fully. First, it gives you the basics so that you can stay safe and then step aside and leave you a lot of freedom.
Who coined the term? This name became famous after a case of “negligence” against Lenore Skenazy, a former columnist who wrote about how he let his nine-year-old son travel alone in the New York subway. The experience led her to be labeled the "worst mother in the United States" and made her want to write a book about fighting the perception that the world is becoming a more dangerous place.
Why are there parents who choose this style? Psychologists and experts suggest that this style is a reaction against types of parenthood based on anxiety or fear of taking risks. Skenazy may be right and we are worrying too much about the dangers of germs or other people. While Skenazy is dedicated to publishing the responses of parents (and legislators) who think their approach is negligent, it is likely to be more in line with the authoritative typology where parents believe in the idea of teaching children to take care of themselves. .
Skenazy's blog tries to connect these types of parents who think children need safety vests and helmets so they can be independent in a safe way. The approach is to provide children with a type of childhood similar to what their parents experienced in the 1970s / 1980s.
The advantage is that lChildren learn to use their freedom, to be autonomous and to fend for themselves. They can also respond better to their mistakes, be more resilient and take responsibility for their actions. It is also said that growing this way makes adults happier.
The drawback is that this type of paternity may have some problems regarding legal aspects. In the state of Queensland, it is illegal to leave a child for a "reasonable" period of time, while in other states parents must ensure that their child is well taken care of. Queensland law does not establish to what extent the time is "reasonable", but the father or mother may receive a penalty for a misdemeanor (up to three years in jail) if they fail to comply with the code.
Attachment or soft parents
CC BY-ND Type of parent: Believes that a child's first bond with their caregivers influences all subsequent links he experiences in his life. This argument argues that strong physical and emotional attachment to their caregivers is essential for the child's personal development.
Who coined the term? This philosophy is based on the work of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth on attachment theory. His research began with Bowlby in the 1950s when he worked with Ainsworth and Ainsworth also made some famous experiments with young children.
Attachment theory suggests that children who develop strong ties with their parents or their caregivers during their early years will have happier and healthier relationships as they get older. Later the term became popular thanks to a book known as the "baby bible" written by the Sears family in 1993.
Why do parents choose this style? Parents often opt for this style because they want their children to have a positive attitude about themselves and their relationships with others when they grow up. The idea of raising children with attachment is associated with the authoritative typology because they are parents who try to balance high expectations with empathy, which is associated with the best results.
The advantage is that it provides a secure base of love and respect on which the child's relationships can be established and through which the child can safely experience the world.
The drawback is that it can be confused with permissive parenting and is also associated with excessive parental protection such as when fathers or mothers cannot accept the idea that their child begins to be independent. Some have accused this style of being anti-female or anti-feminist because it fuses the role of women with motherhood, something that goes against the ideas of feminism. However, there are those who do not think the same.
Author: Rebecca English, lecturer in Education, Queensland University of Technology
This article has originally been published in The Conversation. You can read the original article here.
