When what the couple expected to happen relatively quickly does not come, when after an attempt goes another, and another ... When you enter the wheel of the reproductive problems wear, frustration and discouragement can make a dent in the Relationship. How does it really affect? What can we do to protect our relationship?
It is estimated that 17% of couples in Spain have fertility problems. The process that these couples go through undergoes a fairly hard test for the relationship, a test for which if we do not prepare can harm the couple.
The wear in the first stage
It is important that we keep in mind that couples who resort to fertility treatments have already gone through a whole journey of unsuccessful attempts, have already tried “naturally” to become pregnant. In this first stage, friction and emotional discomfort can occur in the couple (in addition to discomfort at the individual level, of course).
“I want to try every day to make sure it happens and my partner does not feel like sex if it is by obligation” or “I get the feeling that my partner doesn't want it as much as I do” These are some of the thoughts that can already be present and affect our relationship.
At this stage, as in all, communication will play a fundamental role. It is necessary to talk about the expectations of each one, the desires and needs, the insecurities and fears that we have along the way ... We need to team up from the beginning to support each other in this complicated process.
The impact on the couple
Loss of pleasure and sexual enjoyment
When we have been testing for a while and there is no way, it usually happens that sex ends up being instrumentalized and thus losing the “fun” part. That is to say, we turn sex into the tool that will allow us (or at least try) to achieve our goal, which strips the playful and pleasant burden.
This is one of the fundamental points that we have to work as a couple, because the associated wear and tear and discomfort are important. In addition, a negative aspect is usually added: the requirement (in performance). All this can lead to sexual dysfunctions, as indicated by a Stanford University study such as anaorgasmia (difficulty having orgasms) or erectile dysfunction.
It is key that we do not lose sight of the importance it has: sex is not only a physical act but also implies intimacy, a space that is shared with the couple ... and we are not at all interested in losing it.
Descent of couple plans
The couple activities, which are so important because they provide positive reinforcements and help the union, is something that is often profoundly altered when we are facing such a treatment. Our schedules, vacations and breaks become conditioned by when we have to go to the clinic, when it is time to prick or when a new analysis. The result is that we are postponing going to such a place or doing such a thing ... and as we are somewhat discouraged in the end we stay at home ... again.
The couple then loses reinforcement opportunities, as I said, loses avenues of enjoyment, so necessary to counteract the discomfort generated by all this, loses the option of deploying a role that is not that of "person who wants to have children" but that of man or woman ... And it's something we can't afford right now.
Communication difficulties
One of the most frequent fears is to say something "that can affect the other", or "be weighed with the subject", or just the opposite, to talk about the subject all the time and thereby overwhelm our partner. If we do not share these aspects, negative feelings such as guilt, anger or anxiety may appear ... both in which he is silent and in which he does not ask.
Descent of social activities as a couple
The mood discomfort, discouragement or difficulty in dealing with certain situations often makes us reject social plans. It is very common that the presence of couples with children or pregnant women (as well as news of this type) causes discomfort, so the tendency is to avoid situations in which to be exposed to them.
The problem is that precisely at this moment we need more than ever social support, both emotionally and purely "to be busy" thinking about something else even if it is five minutes.
What can we do
The main thing is to work the issue together, as a couple, from the beginning of the process. The passage of time will only cause discomfort, can lead to misunderstandings ...
Communication
At the moment we decide that we want to be parents, we must begin a process of bidirectional communication, both of you must share how you feel about it, what fears you have, etc. And if we get into complications, if we go to fertility treatments ... with even more emphasis.
All this must be talked about, concretized, defined when and how we are going to talk about the subject, and when and how we are going to tell our partner that it is not the moment, or that emotionally that conversation is not good for us. What we leave without speaking will remain in the limbo of the interpretations, and will only generate discomfort for both.
Make couple plans
This seems so difficult because of what I said before, because of the almost full time availability required by treatments and interventions of this type, it is essential. We may not be able to go to Berlin on vacation as we would like because maybe it's time to go for tests, but we can go somewhere that is relatively close and from which we can return.
We have to make plans ... and carry them out, even if we are lazy, even if we don't have all the illusion that we think we should have. We are a couple, and the couple feeds on care and attention, so do not neglect it.
Rekindle (or keep alive) desire and sexuality as a couple
It is important to find playful moments of sexual pleasure taking the variable “reproduction” out of the equation, for this we usually recommend in consultation to resort, for example, to massage sessions, in which intimacy and relaxation can give way to desire and excitement . Also change context, go to a hotel, or a getaway to the beach ... everything we can think of that can help activate our adult role "with desire", do you understand?
Stay with friends or family
Having social support is one of the variables that correlates with a better coping with this type of process, so it should not be left out. We may not feel like it, that we fear meeting that cousin who is pregnant (and that reminds us that we are not getting it), but we need to have contact with other people to oxygenate the relationship, among other things.
Facing reproductive problems is hard, very hard, but it is even more so if our partner is affected by the process itself. It's time to team up, as I said, to go "all to one" to take care and protect us, to be strong in the face of everything that will come. Let us pamper our relationship more than ever, because it is so worth it.
Photos: Pixabay.com
In Babies and more: What to say and what not to a couple with fertility problems; They announce their pregnancy showing all the struggle and the sufferings that went through to achieve it;
