Five years ago by these dates I lost for the third time a pregnancy in the eighth week of gestation, and four years ago by these dates I gave birth to my second daughter: my beautiful rainbow baby.
Between the two events a pregnancy full of fears, uncertainty and a heavy emotional backpack He didn't let me enjoy or connect with my baby. And is that living a pregnancy after having suffered several gestational losses can be really scary.
A backpack full of fears
Scary. That is the word that best defined my second daughter's pregnancy. In the last year before I got pregnant I had suffered three gestational losses, between weeks eight and ten of gestation. One abortion after another, I lived at the beginning with resignation and then with much anger and helplessness. Why me? He repeated to me again and again.
Shortly after I knew that the cause of what was happening to me had a name: thrombophilia. A blood clotting disorder which, in my case, affected the formation of the placenta and resulted in the loss of pregnancy.
With the diagnosis in hand I felt a mixture of liberation and fear. Liberation, because he could finally name what was happening and find a solution for a new pregnancy. But also scary, because it was something completely unknown to me, what I had never heard of, and that forced me to medicate daily to make the pregnancy come to an end.
When I saw the positive in the pregnancy test again, far from being happy, I began to tremble. It was my fifth positive; the first had been that of my eldest son, and the next three had been those of my three babies who had left early ... What would that new baby be?I wondered every morning.
"Now you are controlled and medicated", my husband told me in his attempt to calm my anxiety. But in spite of everything I was unable to enjoy my pregnancy as most mothers do. Any discomfort, any puncture or any discomfort made me get worse.
And although I didn't want to get excited about the idea of being a mother again, it broke my soul to think about losing it again.I had a hard time talking about my future daughter, think of a name for her, visualize what our life would be like when she was born or even photograph me as my little trip grew. And if all this were not enough, I also felt guilty for feeling that way and for ignoring that there was a baby inside me who struggled day after day to break through life.
And then ... I fell in love!
One of my biggest fears was believe that when I was born I would not love her the same way I loved my son. They say that this is usually a very common fear in the second maternity hospitals, but in my case it also joined the fact that I hadn't managed to connect with my baby at no time during pregnancy.
I was going to childbirth preparation classes and yoga for pregnant women in an attempt to connect with my daughter and to feel that I was in there. Because beyond his kicks and his movements, he felt it as "something alien" to me. He was so afraid and mentally blocked that he was unable to enjoy it as he deserved.
But the truth is that my girl was growing up. Week by week and month after month, until the day of your arrival arrived.
His birth passed by caesarean section. A caesarean section so humanized and respected That had nothing to do with my first experience. The love, sensitivity and warmth that the medical team transmitted to me filled me so much that for a moment I felt that my heart was going to burst with emotion.
In the twenty minutes that the intervention lasted, I suddenly experienced all the beautiful and positive feelings I should have experienced during the previous nine months.And when my girl was born I couldn't control the crying. Gone are the doubts about whether I would be able to love her or about what he would feel when he saw her for the first time. Upon crossing his blue gaze I had the feeling that someone had turned on a switch that had remained off all that time. The switch of LOVE, in capital letters.
The two days after his arrival I could not stop crying with emotion. I felt so happy and so full of love that he was unable to convey it with words. It was as if a volcano of feelings exploded that had remained strongly held for months.
Then I understood the term baby rainbow. My girl I had returned the light and the smile and he had taught me the wide spectrum of colors that hides behind the storm.
- In Babies and More Spontaneous Abortion, Prenatal and Neonatal Death, Natural Abortion, "I'm Here": a poem in homage to rainbow babies, Story of my first caesarean section. A dehumanized caesarean section
