According to a study by the Spanish League of Education, 24% of young people have had their first partner with only 12 years. 12 years may seem too early to start a relationship. We may think they are not prepared. We may be absolutely against it. But prohibiting or denying the situation will only play against us and the welfare of our children. If at 12 he tells us he has a relationship, what can we do?
It is absolutely normal to feel a certain panic if your 12 year old son comes to you with the news that he has a relationship. How is it possible? What happened to my little one? What do I do now?
12 years ... 12 years!
Age, those 12 years, can give us, read like this, a bit of vertigo, but it is convenient that, more than a simple figure, we consider the degree of maturity of our children How do you see them prepared?
On the other hand, he thinks maybe the relationship concept that our children handle is not the same as the one we have. Nowadays, for them, a "relationship" can consist of sending messages via Facebook (and putting "In a relationship"), it can be staying to go to the movies or just spending more time together than with the rest of friends.
Yes, it can also be "be old-fashioned boyfriends." But to know what exactly our son is telling us, it is best to start by asking him what is the relationship he says he has ... and keep calm.
Communication: talk with your child about relationships ... and more
We want our children to have healthy relationships, so we should talk to them to make sure their notion is tight. What do you mean by relationship, what does it mean for them to be dating (go for a walk, kiss, make plans with friends or be alone with that person ...), what behaviors are appropriate or not, what do they expect from them, etc. This point is very important to ensure that they are not initiating toxic relationships.
The ideal? Having talked about this issue before the situation comes to us, from very young. Of relationships, love, sex, etc. There is no talk one day, it is not "the conversation", it is a continuum that goes almost from birth, because if we wait for adolescence it will be too late.
What should you be clear about?
- As I was saying, you have to be clear about what a notion of healthy, egalitarian, free relationship…
- Do not abandon social relationships: If we want a healthy relationship, isolating ourselves from others and focusing exclusively on the couple is a very bad idea with 30 years or 15. We are going to make sure that they are clear, because they may enter "I want to be with the couple all the time and the rest I don't care anymore" So typical of these ages.
- Safe sex. As much as you panic about the idea that “your little one” has sexual intercourse, avoiding the issue will not make it happen, what it will do is happen without having the necessary information and therefore taking risks. Talking about sex with our preteens does not lead them, as many believe, to "feel like it", not "we give them ideas", no, what we do is guarantee their physical and emotional well-being by giving them information and tools.
Some advices
- Rules: As for many other things there are rules at home, there must be rules for this. Does that mean you have to become a dictator or take a place in the National Police Corps? No, but having a relationship does not mean that she has stopped being 12 years old, that she has a relationship, if she is a girl, she does not guarantee us “that nothing will happen to her because they accompany her home” (enough of this, for please) ... Schedules, rules on behavior when both are at home ... these are the things we should agree on.
- Do not control the relationship: when something is forbidden ... what happens? Well, that, we polarize and we want it more strongly. Whether or not you agree with this, the reality is that it is happening, so is it not better to approach it by accompanying our son than by rejecting this relationship frontally? Isn't it better that you feel that you can talk about it to avoid us?
- Transparency: As with friends, it is advisable to meet the couple, come home, know that you can come home. No obscurantism, nothing to keep him away ("I prefer not to see them") no matter how embarrassed he gives us all. Why? For normalizing, for integrating that relationship into their family day to day, for not making it something “secret”, because we already know that the secrets do not lead to anything good, because if they feel they can be at home without censorship, without judgments, they will come quietly and feel the freedom to talk to us about the subject, which is what we want. Or do you prefer to hide it or not tell you where it is going? Well, that.
If your 12-year-old child comes to you saying that he has a relationship, calm, not hyperventile: breathe and talk to him / her, accompany him, guide him ... Because maybe it is not a good idea, maybe the relationship ends two days later, but better be there and help you along the way You deny this reality and leave your luck, don't you think?
Photos: Pixabay.com; toy Story 3
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