A few years ago we already told you that according to the National Statistics Institute more and more babies are born to single mothers in Spain, a reality that comes to add to the different family models that exist in society.
Today we wanted to learn more about the lives of three women who for different reasons are single mothers. Montse, Rosa and Elena have opened the doors of their hearts to tell us why they decided to be mothers, how they lived the pregnancy alone, and how were the first moments with their babies.
I want to be a mother!
Rosa, Elena and Montse always wanted to be mothers, and when they were visualized in the future they did it with children around.
Montse had a partner when he decided to get pregnant. It was a thoughtful decision and made between the two with great enthusiasm, but for various reasons he did not fit the news well and as the pregnancy progressed, he was getting more and more away.
"I noticed that something was wrong, but I never imagined the outcome. He left me in the middle of pregnancy and at that moment I thought he died, not because he saw me abandoned, but because he felt he was abandoning his son" - he laments .
Rosa and Elena's situation was very different, since both of them were always clear that if the time had come they had not found the right partner, they would be mothers alone using fertility techniques with donor semen.
After several failed couples, Rosa began to weigh the idea of being a mother, but admits that it took time to make the decision because she thoroughly considered the pros and cons.
Time was passing and couples also, so the day came when I decided that the time had come. I made the decision and became a mother, "summarizes Rosa.
Elena remembers with humor how with 13 or 14 years already motherhood was considered alone in the future:
"I remember telling my mother that if at some point I did not find the right person, I would be a mother, too. And she would answer: Shut up, daughter, don't say nonsense. There are many years left for that! Now I think those conversations were something premonitory "
"In October 2015, with 32 years, I felt that the time had come to be a mother, and since at that time I had no partner, I decided to do it alone. It was not hard for me to make the decision because I had already taken it many years ago"
Pregnancy as a single mother
Pregnancy is a magical stage for women. Some get along well and enjoy it fully in the absence of symptoms, and others are more uphill, but what is undeniable is that it's a moment of great emotions.
For Montse, it was one of the toughest stages of his life. The first months passed with normality and much emotion to see his little Lucas on ultrasound, but when his partner disregarded, Montse besieged that the world was coming upon him.
"I needed psychological help and the support of my family and friends to cope with the last months. It was very difficult to know that I was going to be alone when the time came".
The worst moment for Elena was the first day she attended childbirth preparation classes, when she saw that all her companions were accompanied by their partners and she was alone. This was expressed then in a photo on his Instagram account:
First day of preparation for childbirth. And I need to be very sincere. It is the first day in this whole process in which I felt alone All future moms went with their partners and I was alone. In fact, when I left, I started crying It is true that my midwife did not tell me that I had to be accompanied, so I did not expect that the first day was the only one that was alone Tomorrow I will tell you in the Blog everything what we have learned today, which has not been a little Today I am going to sleep now… I am tired Beautiful dreams for everyone! ❤
A shared publication by Elena López (@ mama.soltera) on 20 Mar, 2017 at 2:04 PDT
Rosa, however, admits feeling so happy during pregnancy that a couple never missed:
"I was 38 years old, and although the gynecologist had warned me that perhaps because of my age I could have some complication, it would have been impossible for things to have gone better. Zero nausea, zero acidity, zero spine pain, zero stretch marks ... It was wonderful both physically as psychologically "
"I've always been very sure and proud of my decision and my family model. I wanted to show that diversity exists and that not everyone has to do the same and go through the same moments of life. That is why I am sure that I would repeat the experience, now if I am more convinced that I want and want to be a mother without a partner "
The time of delivery
And after nine months of waiting comes the long-awaited day when you and your baby meet for the first time. And it is at that precise moment, when you look your newborn in the eye, when you face your new reality as a mother for the first time, and when you realize that nothing will be as it was before.
The delivery of Montse was advanced a few weeks, and although informed his ex-partner when he started with the first contractionsShe did not show up at the hospital and Montse gave birth in the company of her mother.
He remembers those first moments with his little Lucas excitedly, and his voice breaks when he tells me about the moment when he really realized that he was going to raise her alone:
"As soon as Lucas was born I thought it convenient to inform his father of it, and I did it through a message asking him, in addition, to accompany me to register our son in the Civil Registry. He did not even answer me at the time, he did it two days Then with three words that broke my soul: "I give up the child". It was at that precise moment that I realized that I would be alone, physically, emotionally and economically speaking "
For Elena, the moment of delivery was very hard because after several hours with contractions it ended in caesarean section. To the post operative pains were added initial problems with breastfeeding, and a hormonal cocktail that made him falter at some point:
"The post operative caesarean section was a very delicate moment and I missed a more personal help, that it was not that of my friends or that of my parents "- remember.
And after a plethoric pregnancy, Rosa faced the moment of childbirth with great happiness and enormous tranquility. As he tells me, his idea of being a mother alone also included the fact of living his birth alone. And that was how on August 10, 15 years ago, and after 17 hours of childbirth, she gave birth to her little Alba.
The first months of motherhood
The first weeks with the baby can be very chaotic. Must adapt to a new situation, change schedules and routines, and exclusively meet the demands of your newborn. The help and support of the recent mother from the environment are essential.
Despite the circumstances he had to live, the first moments as a mother were especially magical for Montse, who admits that his son gave him strength and made him feel especially powerful."Although I was covered by my friends and my family, I felt strong and able to raise my son alone. And so I wanted to show it to everyone. I got a long breastfeeding, and I have always been the one who has taken care of my son exclusively. I am clear that the responsibility of their upbringing and education is exclusively mine "
As Lucas grew, so was the happiness of Montse, who tells me how despite the hardness of raising a baby alone, she was always happy and he took full advantage of the time to enjoy his son.
"During the first months, I didn't have a social life, I didn't sleep or rest, but I felt completely happy and happy next to Lucas" Alejandro, Elena's baby, is now 10 months old and as she says, since she turned six She learned to organize herself and not need so much help in her day to day. But he recognizes that the first moments were complicated.
"During the first months I had the daily help of my parents, who came to bathe Alejandro and so I took the time to take a shower, do household chores or go shopping. But after six months I have learned to organize better and not precise of daily help except in specific moments, and for work reasons "
"However, and although being a mother was a very thoughtful decision and I am always accompanied by my closest relatives, In many moments I felt alone and I cried without knowing why. And it is in those moments when I have felt the lack of a couple that would support me from an emotional point of view "
Elena confesses to having found "the man of her life", her little Alejandro Rosa remembers that the first months with her daughter Alba were extraordinary. After the birth, he left with his parents to Murcia and there he enjoyed a month and a half vacation on the beach with his family and his baby:
"When I returned home in October, I began to live alone with my daughter for the first time, and I remember feeling tremendously happy."
The day to day of these three moms
The experience of Rosa was so positive that she immediately wanted to repeat, and returned to undergo a fertility treatment with donor semen to give a brother to her girl. However, after several fruitless treatments he decided to start an adoption process. And that's how his second daughter, Luna, arrived.
"I adopted my daughter Luna with two years, although I met her with eight months. It was a new experience, different but with something in common with the previous one: the illusion to be a mother again and the courage to try to make my dreams come true. And I got it "
Rosa says that although there may be cons, being a mother alone also has advantages:
As disadvantages, Rosa points mainly to the economic issue, and to the fact that certain moments of parenting can cause overload and stress, especially as children enter adolescence."Sometimes, sentimental relationships produce emcoional wear. But when you become a mother alone, the decisions about raising and educating your daughters, habits and limits fall only on you. Education falls on a single way of thinking and the family environment is usually quite calm "
Today Luna is 10 years old and both she and her sister Alba, 15, Rosa defines them with a word: "Happy" Montse's son, Lucas, is almost four years old today and although he agrees with Rosa in defining him as "a happy child", he confesses that Maternity alone is wearing him down.
"The first year of motherhood was wonderful and I was not missing anything. But from the second year I began to feel the need to have time exclusively for me. I hired a girl who came a couple of times a week to take care of Lucas so that I could go to the gym "
"But such was the need I had to have some time alone, that sometimes I did not even take advantage of it to go to the gym but simply locked myself in the bathroom and enjoyed the moment of taking a quiet shower "- remember.
"I've come to miss taking a shower or going to the bathroom alone," admits Montse That need for time, and to rely on another person when you are at the limit of your strength It is also shared by Elena, who expresses it with these words:
"At some point I miss the help of a couple. Especially when they arrive at 22:00 at night, I have been up since 6:00 in the morning, I am exhausted and Alejandro has energy to continue playing. That's when I would like to delegate and that it was someone else who would give him dinner and put him to bed. "
"Maternity alone is hard, I will not say no, but it is also comforting," says Elena. Still, and despite certain moments of weaknessMontse wants to send a clear and direct message to all those women who have suddenly found themselves in the same situation:
"You are strong, beautiful, intelligent and very capable of raising your child alone. If one day you want, you can find a partner again, although it is important that you know that you do not need anyone to raise your child. Your son only he needs you and you are doing very well "A similar message throws Rosa to all those women who dream of being mothers but have not found a partner to make it happen:
"Since the world is a world there have been single-parent families, especially when the man went to war to test his courage and what he tested was the patience and courage of the woman, who ended up pushing her alone to a whole offspring of children "
I loved chatting with these moms and getting to know their stories and reflections on motherhood alone. For tomorrow I leave a particularly emotional second part, where they will explain to us what it means for their children to grow up without a father figure, and some social problems that they have had to face.
We will also learn about Rosa and Elena's work to help all those women who want to be mothers alone. Do not miss it!
Acknowledgments | Montse, Elena, Rosa
