Sleeping little or nothing, not having time for oneself or the couple, less sex than before (or zero sex in general), adapting to new roles and learning to be a father and mother ... No, becoming parents is not easy and can Assume a tough test for the couple. In this new stage we need to reach agreements If we don't want our relationship to suffer. Do you know what are the main points that can save your relationship? I tell you the five most relevant.
When a couple lives together, a series of rules are established explicitly or implicitly: who takes care of the garbage, who cooks and when, how is leisure (both as a couple and as an individual), etc. The arrival of a new member of the family, one that is very small and we love a lot, will involve, in addition to love in abundance, changes in our couple regulation.
I am often asked what are the main reasons that can cause a relationship to falter after parenthood (and without paternity, eye, because couples without children also have crises, although in the case of "new parents" there are some particular nuances, obviously).
On the basis that each couple is a world, the truth is that there are some points, some issues, which can effectively ignite the fuse of the conflict quite quickly. Knowing them and knowing that we have to put a little extra effort is a great first step to avoid future problems. And that extra effort translates into renewing the pacts, making new agreements and / or revising what we had.
I know that read like this it seems that we have to sit before a notary and the board of shareholders (or neighbors of the block) to discuss the nation state but no, tranquility, it is not as complicated as it might seem.
Agreements that will make your relationship stronger
1. Basic parenting lines: schedules, discipline, diet ...
The one that is undoubtedly the best option for the welfare of the child may be the opposite for the other. How we were raised, our personality or our baggage are some of the factors that determine our idea about parenting ... and this may not match that of our partner.
Then what do we do? The key here is: 1) to think that the goal is for our little one to be great, 2) that we all have the right to have our ideas and to be respected and 3) you are a couple, a team, and as such you have to act.
Take a paper and draw a huge pyramid: in the base place your ideas or key principles, all that you have clear that it has to be this way and that for you it is inalienable. On the next step of the pyramid put that which is important but ... but not so much. And in the summit, in the little piquito above, everything you think can be negotiation meat. To be clear about our "inalienable" and to be even clearer that there are things in which we can (and should) yield, for the good of all, is the beginning for a good negotiation and therefore the fundamental step to reach agreements.
The fundamental thing here is not to agree on each and every aspect of parenting, but have a common basis and from there go on agreeing, together, what and how it will act. Of course, let's do it before the key situations occur: we don't want to argue in front of the child or show fissures, right?
2. How to act in front of third parties (friends, family ...)
One of the sources of stress that flies over the couple that just had a child is the influence or pressure (or both) that third parties exert on her. Yes, I speak of grandparents, friends, neighbors ... With the best of intentions (we will not think badly) family and friends will give us directions, offer us (or throw) their opinions, and if we are not prepared they can create a schism among us.
Is that my mother is right or Your father has bought you sweets again when I clearly told him not to.... Beware of this, first because we are talking about the direct family of our partner, with what we are placing in an awkward intermediate position, and second because by discussing with third parties, when positioning ourselves, we can make our partner feel cornered or little supported
Whether or not you agree with what your mother or father has said is something that you both should talk alone, quietly, without public and without pressure and above all remembering at all times that you two are really a unit, a team , the daddies.
3. Space as a couple
Finding space for both of us when we have a baby is harder than finding the Lost Ark, that is clear. But the reality is that having it, a little while, a few hours a week, is key to the survival of the couple.
The daily chores, the baby and the work may leave us without energy or purely without time, but being well as a couple must be one of our priorities, almost as much as taking care of our baby, so one of the things in which we will have to put a little effort, on which we will have to negotiate will be precisely this: organize ourselves to find those gaps in which to be two, in which to be boyfriends.
4. The personal space
And the same as with the space for two happens with that of oneself: motherhood, fatherhood, is a very absorbent, wonderful, but absorbing role and we need for our well-being to maintain a small personal space, a time for us alone. Because besides daddy or mommy we are children, friends, brothers, workers ...
Mood and self-esteem need fuel to be in optimal condition and a very good one is to dedicate ourselves for a little while. With 15 minutes a day we can throw, but if it is more, better. Nor is it crazy, right? And of feeling nothing of guilt: we are not doing anything wrong, we are not being selfish (unless we are disregarding, but that is another story) ... Think: don't you want your child to be autonomous and have a good self-esteem? Well start by setting an example.
But of course, for this we must agree the times with our partner, not to charge you, to organize yourself well and in an equitable way.
5. The distribution of tasks
Oh, the distribution of tasks ... Without a doubt, it is one of the points that generates more problems for couples, whether or not we have children. In the case of being a father to the conflict that in itself can unleash who does what you have to add the Baby Factor:
- A child requires a lot of care and at all times (that is, the demand is high)
- It carries an emotional component: Although they seem mundane tasks everything that involves taking care of a baby has emotional, emotional implications. Cleaning poops and collecting "foals" are covered with a halo of great importance: what we are doing is taking care of our baby, hence they are tasks we do not perceive as simple "duties."
To avoid conflicts, to find that space for both of us and to have our solo time each separately, so as not to feel overloaded, so that everything flows it is vital to agree and distribute, rationally, with love and primacy, the tasks. Because this is not a war, because it is not about winning battles: the thing is about being well and being (co) responsible.
Extra point
He major of the agreements, that we can not jump under any concept, is that respect will prevail over all things, that you love and therefore want the other to be well. Negotiating and giving up does not mean losing, losing is wanting to stay above the other, losing is facing each other. I say it again: out of war mode, welcome team mode.
And do not forget: the discussions (which are not negative in themselves), the negotiations, are done alone, both of them, not in front of anyone and much less before our little one. Now, To love each other very much!
Photos: Like life itself
In Babies and more: "My partner and I do not agree": how to negotiate when there are discrepancies about parenting
