When a couple has a baby it is common, and it is appreciated, that the family offers to lend a hand. Grandparents are usually those who offer more practical help at the beginning (lend a hand at home, make food, ...) and are also the ones who give their availability to take care of the baby at the time when mom and dad are working both.
There are times when one of the parents, usually the mother, stops working or asks for a leave of absence to be able to take care of the baby in his first years and, although the theory many know (where a small child is better is with his parents), to practice it is very common to hear speeches contrary to this solution.
We (my wife and I), having made the decision to dispense with a salary, have also received messages that questioned our decision. Some have been loaded with respect, others have been somewhat more frontal and direct and others have seemed almost guilty.
Now time has passed and I have to make a little effort to remember them. People who talked about it no longer do it because Jon already goes to school, because they probably don't even remember those conversations and because time has ended up proving us right.
Some of the criticisms we have received
Criticisms, as you know, can be of two types: constructive and destructive. When a person receives constructive criticism and is argued from respect ("I think otherwise, but I respect your decision to do so"), it can be enriching to listen to them, even though sometimes we don't like the message.
When criticism is constructive, but forms and respect are lost, nonverbal communication makes criticism destructive and generate confrontation (and even more if they are telling you how to educate your child).
If the criticism is destructive and also guilty, turn it off and let's go.
By this I mean that not all the criticisms or opinions we receive as parents are negative. Some have helped us mature in our work since no one is born taught and, when a child is born, the father is also born, which starts from scratch.
The problem is that in Spain (I don't know how to talk about other countries), we are very likely to “lose the forms” and, for whatever reason, it is common for people who shouldn't care how you educate your children , I gave you some pearl telling you what you think you are doing wrong and what you should change to do it well, yes or yes.
Collecting some of the pearls we have received:
- “Sleep with the children? No, no, children have to sleep in their bed. ”
- “Do you have two years and still do not go to school? Sorry to tell you, but this child is doing a huge evil. ”
- “And he has never stayed with the grandparents? Not that I want to get in, but don't you think that could be a problem? The day you have to stay with them will be fatal. ”
- “With two years they need to socialize, be with other children. It is not a good idea to be with you at home. ”
A dialog:
-Don't you have school today? (addressing the child).
-No, it's not up to next year. It was born in January.
- Oh, what a shame! And for a month, couldn't they have done you the favor and caught it this year?
-¿?
Feeling general
As you see The general feeling is that children have to go to daycare before going to school because they need to socialize with other children and that from time to time they have to separate from their parents (either to be with the grandparents, or to other caregivers), so that they get used to it in case one day it is necessary to separate.
At least this could be the quick summary of the “inputs” that my wife and I have been receiving during the first 3-4 years of our first son's life (now with the second I suppose they already give us up).
Is it necessary to be so sharp?
One of the things that have surprised me most in my journey as a father is how categorical people can become when they give you their opinion (whether you asked for it or not).
The day someone told me: "No, no, children have to sleep in their bed", with gestures that helped to emphasize the phrase and with the face of "and you're crazy if you do it the other way around", I realized that I was extremely cautious when I offered my opinion and often used to receive not opinions, but immovable absolute truths.
I imagine that it is normal, since the one who explains the absolute truth only knows that truth (then rejects the other options) and the one who has chosen the other options rejects, but knows and therefore understands, the path accepted by society as good because "it is the right thing to do" and respects the people who follow that path.
The day Jon stayed with his grandparents
After almost three years of sharing hour after hour (except for a single night in which he separated from his mother 3 hours and was with me for a company dinner) with his mother, Jon spent a day and a whole night with the "avis" (grandparents in Catalan).
There was no other, we had to be 24 hours admitted because with 34 weeks of pregnancy Aran wanted to leave.
There were several calls we made asking for Jon and the answer was always the same: “Quiet, that's fine. He is playing with the 'avi'. ”
Night came and fears returned to our minds: can you sleep without us? Will you call us? Will you wake up a lot?
The next day we called and again the response was tremendously reassuring: “He slept well, in our bed with us. Yes he has woken up at night once, he has looked around saying 'avi!' and when he has seen it he has put his head on the belly of the 'avi', has closed his eyes, and has gone back to sleep. ”
That day we are proud of our son and we are proud of our role as parents. It’s not that we got medallions thinking that our son acted like this thanks to us, since there is always the possibility that he may be the same by educating him in another way.
Pride did not come from what we had done, but of what we had not done. We did not leave him with the grandparents for a few hours so that he would gradually get used to being without us (and especially without his mother) in case the day had to be separated, we did not take him to the nursery to socialize with other children and I already explained to you in your day that the entrance to the school could not have gone better.
Conclusion
Children mature and become autonomous even if we don't want it. It is not necessary to get used to doing something to a child if he will have to do it sooner or later.
It makes no sense to start leaving a baby with the grandparents for months or just over a year (or with two or three years) to get used to it just in case one day you have to separate from it.
It makes no sense because there is no logic in suggesting to someone the need to cause a separation to a baby who may cry or have a bad time, so that the day that a separation is necessary is at ease. It is to advance the suffering, it is something like saying that it is better for me to cry today just in case tomorrow really has to do it and cry.
If one day you have to leave a child with the grandparents or with anyone, because there is no other, then it is left and whatever happens has to happen. If you have a bad time, at least we will have saved you crying when you were younger to get used to this hypothetical moment. If you live it well, we will also have saved those cries. Why force situations then? Well, to know. I suppose that the belief that children, to be profitable people, have to live through some borderline situations in their childhood that makes them get used to it prevails (without thinking that the later these situations come, the more cognitive tools children will have to solve them or cope with them).
Photos | Armando Bastida, Flickr - D.A.K. Photography, fotographix.ca
In Babies and more | Should we go to kindergarten to prepare for school ?, Jon's Instruction Manual (Part One), Jon's Instruction Manual (Part Two)
