We have explained, within our Maternity and paternity course, what are the tantrums and the causes that trigger them. I am sure that, understanding what we are talking about, it will be very much easier to handle.
Around two years and sometimes until five it is normal that children have tantrums or go through a negative stage in which, to everything we ask or suggest, refuse vehemently. And, of course, it can be desperate.
And it is mostly if we are not focused and relaxed for parenting Lack of time, worries, exhausting days, lack of a support network, disagreements about parenting or family, all this influences us and makes this stage especially complicated, which, on the other hand, is normal and can be normal in different versions.
The NO stage and the tantrums It does not mean that you are spoiling your son, or that he is challenging you.
It is a normal stage in its development and its intensity and duration will depend on many factors, but above all on three: the child himself, the environment and the way you react.
The boy himself
Not all children are equal, as we are not all adults. One of the circumstances that most influences the duration and intensity of the tantrums is the maturation of the child, both emotional and cognitive and linguistic. A child who understands what we say, is able to empathize with us and understand us and can express himself well will have less chance of falling into complicated handling tantrums. But like everything, there is no exact formula, because what most influences is the child's own personality.
Being aware that there is no real problem, we must understand that This stage is part of your normal ripening process.. The child has discovered that he is an independent person and that in addition, he is able to develop actions chosen by him and must exercise his will. This can overwhelm you and sometimes lead you to refuse such normal things as washing your hands or getting into the bathroom, putting on your clothes or sitting down to eat.
My advice is be very flexible. Many of the things we demand that children do and do at the time we decide can be delayed or negotiated. Let's play with that, letting them make decisions where possible, reorganizing ourselves if there is conflict and having very clear reasons for what we consider non-negotiable.
The more autonomy we leave the child when he asks for it, the better he can give in when a situation comes when we cannot let them decide. With autonomy I do not mean to pressure them to do things alone if they are not prepared, but to allow them to decide on what is not immediately and indispensable realization.
The child needs to grow in maturity, exercise his will. Let's think about the few things that they can decide: all their life is governed by the authority of the adult, they hear so many “NO”, so many “wait”, so many “do this” that they deserve their space and time to develop as people aware of them same.
Let's look at the child's emotional environment
Other causes that influence the child to have a special negative attitude or can not handle their anger or fear are their own experiences: a poor adaptation to the nursery school, problems with a partner or with the caregiver, the arrival of a little brother or an unharmonious situation in the family will affect them.
Our role, when we detect a particularly conflictive attitude, is that of analyze the child's emotional environment in order to realize that he may be unbalancing him and causing him to draw his tension in the tantrums. And, of course, fix it as much as possible.
The smaller they are, moreover, the more they will perceive emotional state of his mother, of the things that she does not get to face from her past or from her present, and that will affect the stability of the child. Without blaming ourselves, but understanding that many of our tensions or fears are reflected in them.
The way we react
The worse we react, the more we lose our nerves or get angry, the more we try to impose silence and obedience the worse this stage will be solved. It will be fundamental the way we react to ensure that the child can feel safe and confident in their maturation.
Flexibility In the rules it is essential. You have to know what is indispensable and what can be optional. We have to analyze how many times a day we send them things or deny them something, and rectify if we are being too rigid.
You have to be able to understand that the child has needs: play, jump, rest, eat when you're hungry and don't eat if you don't have it, respect your tastes and your personality. That does not mean that everything the child wants to do must be done in everything, but it does define well whether our way of organizing time and activities is what the child needs to grow harmoniously.
There is no infallible recipe against tantrums, but if there is one that almost, almost, we can say that it is: love, empathy, respect, self-control and patience.
Tantrums and the "NO" will pass. If we are aware that it is a necessary stage for their maturation as people, who are only learning that they may have their own desires, that their emotions surpass them and are afraid of their reactions and ours, we can handle tantrums much more simply than we think.
Within our Maternity and Paternity Course we have given you today some tips to handle tantrums or the negativity of children. In the next installment we will give you some ideas to talk with your children and achieve better communication.
