MAKING THE DIFFICULT DECISION TO SEPARATE WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN: HOW TO KNOW IF IT'S THE BEST AND WHEN IS THE TIME

Making the decision to end a relationship is usually not easy, and less when there are children in the middle. To the doubts we may have about whether it is better to continue or end, fears are added about the consequences of this change in the lives of children and mourning the idea of family we had and now seems to have Go to waste. It's complicated, but it survives, you will see.

I wish I was sure what is best

Except in very specific cases in which there has been an event that is evidently a turning point for one of the two members (such as an infidelity *), in most cases it is not usually clear what to do, if follow or if ending the relationship.

(* I give this example because for many it is a red line that at the moment it intersects is clearly the end of the relationship, but I must also say that there are couples for whom it is not, and its red lines are others. )

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And, I'm going to say an obvious thing, It is not easy to make this decision. But why does it cost so much?

Love does not disappear overnight: after having a relationship of years, deep, love is not something that suddenly is and suddenly not, there is always something, which makes us doubt, because ... "if I did not want it would be easier to make the decision."
There are good times: it is common that even in relationships in which the dynamics are clearly negative, there are good moments, moments of enjoyment and affection. These moments are also lived with greater intensity and are valued very much, precisely for supposing a sunbeam in the middle of a storm.
Our family project: When you start a relationship and commit to it, you obviously establish long-term plans. The idea of having children leads us to create a family project, with specific characteristics, with specific actors. The arrival of the children comes to reinforce that idea, that project, so that when we consider ending the relationship we can invade the feeling of failure, the sadness that our common project has not come out ... But it also costs us because that idea that we had as a family, that “photo” in which they were “dad, mom and the little ones” is going to stop being like that, and that costs us humans a lot: when expectations and plans are not met there are those He feels helpless and has difficulty adapting to it, to changes.
For the children: the idea of ending the relationship and that it affects, to the extent that it is, our children is one of the great reasons, if not the eldest, that leads many people to question whether it is really worth breaking or no.

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Children, are we still together to prevent them from suffering?

Many times in consultation I listen “If we had no children, I would have already left my partner”. It is clear that the welfare of children is the first thing for parents, and that we must, first and foremost, ensure that they are well, but often, when we consider a separation, the projections we make about how this is going to affect them are excessive and generate fears and anxieties that have no foundation.

For children, the best, ideal for their proper development, is to have dad and mom (or mom and mom, or dad and dad, there are many models of partners) happy, healthy and happy, and if the relationship between them is fatal, that will not happen, the model they will have, day by day, will not be the best.

It is infinitely worse for them to have a dysfunctional family model, with parents who discuss or show no affection (because there is no more), parents who are no longer TEAM, than having two houses and that dad and mom are happy , really.

It is true that going through the separation of the parents is not a walk for them, but well managed does not have to leave them the slightest trauma, it does not have to cause them discomfort beyond the initial acceptance of the change. But for that, so that the kids go through it without leaving sequels, parents, adults, we have to have exemplary behavior, this is the priority.

I would love to say that this is what usually happens, but the truth is that human beings sometimes "get complicated" and do things that we wish we didn't do. That's why I always ask that you take care of your children, that Do not use as a throwing weapon or as a currency: you are the adults, those who have ended a story, they have not decided anything, they are not responsible for anything, and all they deserve is the best, is it clear? Forgive the hardness but the children are small, and you always have to be on their side in these cases.

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What is important for us to be clear is that the children cannot be the reason to stay together in a relationship: a couple must be because they love each other, because they admire themselves, because they feel like being together, because they contribute, not because of the children, because, as I said, that only leads them to grow up in an environment that may not be the best for them, because there is a risk of witnessing discussions and conflicts, because what they need is stability and affection, come from a couple together or two individuals who are super separated.

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When is the time to end our relationship

This is one of the most frequently asked questions in consultation when a couple comes for the first time: Is it time to end or should we give our relationship another chance?

The truth, I'm sorry if you expected something else, is that there is no “good” answer to this question, at least not one with guidelines applicable to everyone: each couple's relationship is a universe, made up of two others universes, you, so it is impossible to propose rules or guidelines that cover all these variables.

A relationship ends when one of its members, or both, so decide. Now, despite what has been said, there are a few things you can keep in mind, a few reflections, which can help you make that decision If you have doubts about your relationship:

Do you think it's worth trying to save the relationship?
What kind of relationship do you want to have? How is your ideal partner"? * Can your current relationship reach those standards?
What would it take for this?
Is it feasible?

Do you have our arrangement?

When we have partner problems, and more when there are children, we try by all means to solve those conflicts, to fix the situation. What often happens is that our attempts are not successful, so the only thing we get is to feel frustrated ... and everything seems blacker.

If you consider your relationship worthwhile, that it makes sense to make a final effort, go to a professional together, to a couple therapist to help you, for that we are. You may think that how a stranger is going to help you in “your thing”, I understand, is a common thought, but couple therapy is successful because it is not “talking with a friend”, it is about applying techniques that we know that work to resolve conflicts or change partner dynamics.

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You have already tried it on your own and you could not, perhaps because you lacked tools or a change of perspective, that is what a professional can offer you.

That said, the truth is that there are times that in consultation with what is reached is the conclusion that, indeed, the relationship is over. But when that happens, it is after having worked both to try, so that the separations in these cases are less painful and more civilized, if I am allowed to express myself. School, but less, and "gets better" for the kids.

Be that as it may, if you think the time has come for your relationship or if you have doubts about it, always, always, please, address it in the best possible way between you, without involving the kids, building a new project for them, not destroying their future. Courage, it sure isn't an easy time, but it survives.

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