Before having children, I had many doubts about what would be my father's role because I didn't know if I would be able to educate them well, to be firm in my decisions and to know how to say "No" whenever necessary. Used to see fathers and mothers with the "No" always in the mouth and children who seemed insensitive to those "No", I could not imagine those situations in which it would take something else to get the change of attitude of a child, because Of course, if you ignore the "No", what is the following, punish them? And if they recollect your punishment, what is next?
Once I was a father, as my son was growing up, I observed that the "No" do not usually like children, because you face their decision to do something that for them has a special interest (their curiosity makes them want to do or touch things without thinking about the possible consequences), but I realized that after the "No" there is no need to come another "No" more energetic, not a punishment, not a cheek, but what can and usually works is a "yes". Now I explain, because it seems key in the education of children and is the sea of simple. If our children talked and could tell us how to emerge victorious from the spiral of negativity that I explained before, they would tell us: "Mom, dad, don't tell me what I can't do, tell me what I can do".
The spiral of "No, the" NO "and what follows
Your child is doing something you don't like, something that is dangerous or something that according to what places you would let him do, but according to what others, no. Because if you live in the countryside or on vacation, shouting, screaming, singing and jumping is normal and part of the game of freedom, but if you are in community and it is ten o'clock at night, or if you are in a hospital or a hospital place where silence is required, because it cannot be done.
You say "No", don't do that and explain the consequence if you keep doing it: "you can hurt yourself", "you're bothering people", "another day we can't come", "you can't touch it because you don't is ours ", etc. It may happen that I listen to you but, if we talk about young children, who still do not fully understand what we explain to them or have the ability to think beyond and reason the consequences of each of their actions, most likely they ignore us and remain in their thirteen, doing the same thing they were doing.
That is when the "NO" comes, that so sharp that you get serious, you frown and look for the action to stop because there is no room for negotiation. Works? Sometimes yes sometimes no. Surely as parents you have met more than once in that situation, with the "No", with the following "NO" and realizing that you are not getting too much. Surely you have seen other fathers and mothers alike, tired of saying "No" and "NO", without achieving too much. Sighing thinking about the moment they grow and understand their words and motivations well, but immersed in the spiral of negativity that after something "No" and "NO" something else must come.
Sometimes the only thing there is a "No" after another. And you see the child doing what he pleases and the father behind, as if he were a bodyguard, watching, not the child, but what surrounds the child, so that he does not break anything, does not touch anything he should not touch and does not do Nothing to regret. At that time we are not talking about an educating father, but about a damage reducer watchman It follows the rhythm that your child sets.
Following the pace set by the child?
Yes, that's right, and it sounds as bad as it has to sound. I explain. Nothing happens if we follow the game when what they do is harmless. Children can set the rules many times and there is no major problem in it. Giving in to us is a good way to teach them that they also have to give in some occasion. But I speak of a way of life in which events are not conflictive for them or for us. I speak of games, day to day, of elections by them that do not have any danger or problem.
Now, what if we talk about something else? Because if the child is doing something we don't like, if we follow the rhythm that sets us but we feel bad doing itIf we see that they are bothering someone but we are not able to stop the situation, then we have a problem. We are not being good educators and we are losing authority.
Then what happens in many houses happens, which the children carry the helm because their parents are not able to handle the boat, that falls into the permissiveness and that children are not very clear what they can and should do, how far they can go and how far they do and that parents live in the conflict of not wanting or not knowing how to handle the situation, immersed in those "No" that lead nowhere.
The "No" that doesn't work
And is that the "No", if used a lot, wears out. It wears out because some days you say "No", then "NO" and you continue until you stop the action, but other days, depending on what you are doing, you say "No" and there it stays, the child continues but you already decide to pass because " look, you don't pay attention to me, do what you want. " Or it does not work because the child is clear about what he wants and no matter what "No" you say, he continues in his thirteen to do what he wants.
Change the "NO" to a "Yes"
If there is something that sets us apart from our young children, it is our experience and our intelligence. There too our creativity, quite depleted and rusty because in childhood they quickly ended it, but there it is still there and, if we know how to pull it, it can be very useful.
It is absurd to enter the spiral of negativity of children and continuously wait to see what is the next thing they can think of to go back and tell them that "No, this neither ... and no, neither ... and this neither". Because in the end it seems they can't do anything because everything they can think of, the fun, they can't do at that moment. Well if you see yourself falling into that trap, why don't you use your experience, your intelligence and your creativity? Don't tell him what he can't do, tell him what he can do. Give him an alternative. Choose the following to do. Offer him a game. Invent something. Go back a few decades and get at your level to imagine what can be fun for you.
On more than one occasion I have seen my children and other children, seeing how they start doing things they should not do (the hospital, when you go to see someone sick is very typical, because they get bored and start inventing games and roll it into the room and hallways), and seeing the other parents fall into the continuous "No", without solving anything, in "vigilant damage reduction" mode, I had to intervene, put face of "what we are going to do now it's amazing "e invent a game to tell them what they can do there: "We can't run through the halls, but we can play spies." And start with a game in which each child must watch certain doors, while we move forward without letting others know that we are spies.
And I've also seen myself being a camouflaged Jedi, along with my young apprentices, hiding after seeing Darth Vader a few meters further (without Darth Vader knowing that it is, of course), thinking what is the next strategy to carry out To end the Empire.
And I have also been a pirate, a thief pirate camouflaged among the crowd trying to explain with little luck, while I quickly save my imaginary parrot, why I and those who accompany me are the ones who come to fix something, or the doctors, or some inventor scientists and that the last thing we come to do is steal.
And when they have been smaller I have simply offered an alternative, a less elaborate game, a "divert attention", a "let's see what's there" or a "I change your sharp and pointed knife for this one, much cooler". Because pulling something from someone's hands is terrible for him, a full-blown robbery of something he likes, but it is not so bad if what you do is barter and it turns out that with the change he wins (or at least he gets clueless ).
So, as you can see, I have been many characters and they have been too. And so the children have stopped doing what bothered others so much, that it was dangerous or that I didn't like them to do or touch. So, so easy, telling them what they can do without going into that absurd spiral of continually saying what a child cannot do.
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In Babies and more | And we will not create a trauma? Children need parents, punishment is an uneducated method, a slap in time?
