SINGLE MOTHERS BY CHOICE: THE SOLO ROAD TO MOTHERHOOD TOLD BY TWO MOMS

Being a single mother by choice is a family option for which more and more women choose, however it remains a great unknown to many of us. How do you make such a decision? How do you breed alone? To tear down myths and help us to know this familiar option Two women tell us about their experience as single mothers by choice.

Andrea has a 3-year-old son, and is the author of the blog "The Adventures of Baby Penguin."

How was the process of making the decision to have a child alone?

Andrea. It was something innate in me. Since I was in high school, I always commented with my friends that if the day came that I felt I wanted to be a mother and I had not found the right person, I would do it alone, with the help of a donor. I even commented with my parents and they supported me by telling me that they would help me financially to carry it out.

I had a partner, but the relationship ended. Among my priorities was being a mother and in my family there had been a history of early menopause. When I turned 25 something in me told me "already." I started browsing the Internet and I found Masola, a website of an association of single mothers. Between his blog and his forum I discovered many interesting things about how to be a single mother through assisted reproduction. I kept investigating and that was when I discovered that Social Security covered treatments for single mothers. I didn't have to think about it anymore.

Andrea mentions Masola, a reference website for single mothers by choice who, among other awards, has received the award for the best Madresfera awareness blog 2018. Following this platform is Rosa, single mother of two daughters, one of almost 16 and another of 11 years, who has also had the great kindness to also answer our questions.

There are different ways to be a single mom, what made you choose what you chose?

Andrea. I chose to be a single mother by assisted reproduction because I wanted to form a single-parent family with everything that entails, and I didn't want to get pregnant with any friend / acquaintance who would later (and rightfully) take care of the baby.

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pink. With almost 36 years I was living a relationship of what they call toxic. I was aware that I had to end that relationship and make the decision to be a mother without a partner because I was not very skilled in relationships. It was a little fruit of the circumstances. My second motherhood, an international adoption, was the result of the conviction that I wanted to be a mother without a partner again.

Did you encounter any obstacles that complicated your path?

Andrea. Mainly medical issues: rules that are delayed, treatments that must be canceled for different reasons ... But the most important and most difficult process was that after having the gynecological tests I discovered that I had fertility problems that would complicate everything. It was 3 years of process, 7 treatments to achieve it and a biochemical abortion involved.

pink. No, none I had it easy because I also had the good fortune to get pregnant at first and since I was meditating for many years and going to therapy to know that I was making the right decision, the day I went to the clinic I had it very clear.

We live in a country where opinion and comment is a national sport, so surely you have had to listen to everything. What have been the most frequent comments made to you? And the worst ones have seated you?

Andrea. I have been fortunate to hear few things, but for example one of my best friends, when I told her that I was going to be a single mother and that my parents supported me, she told me that if I had a daughter in my situation I would not allow it, or a woman told me that "But a child always has to have a father." However, I know that single-parent friends have encountered much uglier situations.

pink: Of everything, but not too much because, I suppose, I have not left and immediately I have stopped. But things like "How brave" until "You have chosen it", "Do not complain", "If you can not alone, have thought before because now you have to ask for help", "That daughter is not the fruit of love", etc.

When the issue of being a mother alone is raised, many people think about how hard it should be, how complicated it is emotionally and physically (sleepless nights, exhaustion, etc.), but when I talk to single mothers by choice they usually tell me that he does not miss what he does not have (referring to sharing motherhood with a partner) ... -I need not, I add-. What do you think? Have you missed something on this line at any time?

Andrea. I agree with what you say that you don't miss what you don't have. In my case I don't miss it or think about it. I am very happy with my family model because it was what I was looking for, and I have the permanent help of my parents, which has made everything much easier for me. I don't wonder what it would have been like to have had a partner. What I do know is that I like the comfort of having 100% responsibility for my son, with his good things and his bad things.

pink: Never. It is something that I also had in mind when talking to the therapist before making the decision and surprisingly after being a single mother I realized that, like everything in life, she also has her pros. I went to bed just as exhausted as many but I got up emotionally strong and felt tremendously happy with my daughters and my chosen motherhood. That does not mean that there are no problems and very hard times that fall on one person, but I think it is the same as for many women who live or have lived their maternity as a couple.

Being a mother is wonderful, but also - sometimes - a path full of fears, doubts ... what were / are yours?

My biggest fear is the fact that my son can be left alone: by not having a father, the family is reduced by half.

Andrea. I have many fears, although I try not to think about them. My biggest fear is the fact that my son can be left alone: by not having a father, the family is reduced by half. My parents are older and the rest of our family is scattered throughout Spain. Where we live, it's just us. And if one day something happened to me ...

On the other hand, and as with any mother, I am afraid of suffering in excess. I would not like that when he grows up his classmates make him feel bad for our family model or for anything else, but that is why I try to educate him in the best way I know so that, when the time comes, he is a strong child and knows how to defend himself .

pink. Of course. There are times as I said very hard because motherhood is not valued, it is believed that as it is something intrinsic to us we will know how to do it perfectly and that we do not need help. And it's not like that… being a mother is complicated, difficult but rewarding. Educating a child is the hardest thing I've encountered and more as they grow up: “Young children, small problems; older children, older problems. ” Many mistakes are made and more in this society in which the time left for children is minimal, especially for those who work outside the home without any conciliation because that is a fallacy; but also so that those who stay at home, without any remuneration, and undermine their self-esteem day by day.

From mother who does not give life to mother, how is your day to day when it comes to organizing and working and ... and everything we do moms?

Andrea. As I said before, I am very lucky to have the support and help of my parents daily. In addition, I am a teacher and that makes my son and I have the same schedules, even holidays, but of course, I have to study for the oppositions ... so I try to juggle and scratch the clock, as we all do.

pink. Many days are as good as they can be. It is difficult to find time to organize what needs to be done. Like that of all mothers today: "How to be a mother and not die trying."

When and how to discuss the issue with the children

Perhaps one of the aspects that most curiosity or doubts generates to many is what, how and when to talk with the children about how you constituted the family. How are you addressing it with your child?

Andrea. My son is still too young to fully understand this situation, but since he was even younger I talk to him and tell him our story. I tell him that he does not have a father, that there are many family models and that ours is like that. At first he told me that he did have a father: his grandfather. And it is his male reference figure. Besides hearing me call him "dad" has made him do it for a long time (also called my mother mom).

From a more recent time so far I have seen progress in it in that regard. When we talk about the subject, he seems to understand that he has no dad, period. I suppose that now when school starts and I get to know more children and address issues like family, I will be asking more and will be more curious. Or not. It turns out that most of my single parents friends just had to address this issue with their children because they assumed it with the naturalness with which they live and did not need much explanation. In any case I am prepared for any question and explanation.

Most of my single parents friends just had to address this issue with their children because they assumed it with the naturalness with which they live it

pink. It was not difficult from the moment you feel proud of your decision and family model. That is transmitted to him since he is in the womb. And from that moment I was already talking to my belly, and then to the baby, and when he was three years old I invented a children's story to explain his story and mine; how much later I wrote: "Cloe wants to be a mom". He grew up knowing and loving his family; He grew up knowing that happiness is not in wanting what others have but in enjoying what one has, which is much.

He is now 16 years old and his life is like that of any other teenager. His concern is more for the dress he will wear at graduation than for the figure of the donor. The little girl who is adopted is also knowledgeable from minute one of her entire history and is fully integrated into her family without any symptoms of detachment. But of course, life is long and when they grow up I imagine they will have more curiosities about their origin, but I think they stay in that, curiosity, as I have now for my grandparents, great grandparents and great-great grandparents, that I want to know all of them.

Help for single parents

Let's talk about aids, the few aids there are, in fact, for single parents - here I will tell you how little there is right now. What do you think of the current situation in Spain? What help do you think should be implemented?

Andrea. I am very happy that you talk about this issue because I think there is a lot of ignorance about it and it is always said, in a wrong way, that single parents receive a lot of help. Quite the opposite! Luckily, single parent associations are struggling a lot about it. One of the measures that I believe should be implemented is the single-parent family card at the state level.

I know that some communities have it, offering advantages and discounts to these family models, but even more so. Another aspect that is bringing tail is the comparison with large families. I think it is very necessary. Among other reasons because there are many more single-parent families than large families. I do not believe that we ask for anything exaggerated but the problem is that there is still a lot to raise awareness in society, and with it, politicians, regarding our family model.

pink. Do you help single parents? They do not exist. All are focused on large families. They have been promising for years (all politicians) and none do anything. We have been fighting for a Single Parent Family Law for more than a decade, but they only care about improving the Law of Large Families, which I do not say they do not have to have their protections and supports, but the others are also family.

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However, they have been responsible for spreading well through the media that we receive all kinds of aid and it is not true. To give you an example: a biparental family deducts 3,450 euros per child in the income statement and a single parent only 2,150. Why?; a biparental family can make the declaration of income jointly until the child's 26 years and a single-parent family only until 18. Why ?; the widows with two children and with economic benefit for widowhood are large families, single women with two children are not. Why?

Save the children in its report “More alone than ever” points out that more than half of single-parent families headed by women are at serious risk of poverty or social exclusion, not only because of their economic situation, but also because of factors such as employment, housing, health or support network.

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What has been the most difficult or difficult moment on this path you have traveled?

Andrea. Perhaps one of the worst for me was after my first four treatments (artificial inseminations) in social security, knowing that I would have to be on the waiting list for at least 15 months to be called for the next treatment (in vitro fertilization).

It may seem silly, but when you're in assisted reproduction, times are measured differently and a week can be an eternity, so imagine several months! It was there when I decided not to wait any longer and try it in a private clinic. There I had another of the worst moments when in my first treatment I got my positive but the happiness vanished immediately when it was a biochemical pregnancy (the embryo had not caught well).

I am a person who tends to be positive by nature and I have done the process quite well. But now I think about it and I realize that everything I've been through has been really hard. Negative after negative you wonder why you can't get pregnant even with the help of science. They turn many heads, you think many things and it is a process that burns a lot.

pink. Now. Adolescence is complicated physically, emotionally and economically. And this adds to the hormonal disorders of one and the years that are falling.

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What - or who - has been the most important thing for you in this whole process?

Andrea. My parents, without any doubt. Because without his support (economic and emotional) I would not have been able to complete the whole process. They have been fundamental in my life in general and in my motherhood in particular. I know that without them I would not have dared, or at least it would have cost me more, to make the decision so firm. It can be said that as soon as they knew about my idea they "pushed" me to carry it out. Now they go out of their way with my son and I can't be more grateful for that much.

pink. No one, in my time I didn't tell anyone until there were 20 days left for insemination and I told my mother. I could say that my self-esteem is the one that told me the best thing I could say, taught me to love myself and not seek protection in others who always instilled us as women - I hope that the new generations know how to love each other better - and it was the one that She said she owned my life and lived it as I wanted.

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For those women who are considering being single mothers

In consultation I see more and more women (do not go for this reason, eye) who do not rule out the possibility of being single mothers by choice. What would you say to a woman who is considering this option?

Andrea. That if they are clear that do not hesitate and go for it. Let them turn a deaf ear and do not seek the approval of others because it is about their life and their decisions. Let them only be heard. That they inform themselves a lot and look for a good center to carry it out (more than the center, the important thing is the professionals). It is also important, at least it helped me a lot, to become a tribe of moms with your same family model. For me they were support and guidance before, during and after the whole process. Now they are family and everything would have been more complex without that support. It is very necessary to have a support network with your same concerns to not feel so alone.

pink. That if you are clear, it is not for not being alone, for supplying the emotional lack of a couple, and their economic situation allows it, go ahead ... That she owns her life, that couples come and go, and that there will be time again for love if she wishes, but there comes a time that there will be no time to have children if she wishes. Take into account the biological clock and ovarian expiration and that there are still alternative treatments or vitrification of ovules. On adoption, today it is an option that has complicated a lot and because of its difficulty I would not advise, but even so with enthusiasm and time, you can also.

And finally, because feeling understood, clothed and understood is sooo important: what would you have liked to be told to you - in any field, be it family, medical, bureaucratic, etc. - when you started the path of maternity alone ?

Andrea. I would have liked to be told how important patience was when you started a path in assisted reproduction, which was not always to arrive and achieve it. It is important to have your feet on the ground. I had to learn to hit negatives. And in this process you know when it starts but not when it ends. It is important to stay strong and cold-minded in many moments when one feels that she can no longer with everything. Because there are processes that, fortunately, are simple. But there are others much more complex and we cannot control everything. And above all and most importantly, always forward!

pink. In my case, nothing because I told myself everything and the opinion of others did not matter to me, but I do think it is important to feel surrounded by social and economic policies that have us deeply forgotten, ignored and in these moments with so much struggle for the equality of women I find it hard to understand how EVERYONE and I say ALL political parties continue to give this family model long.

Thank you very much to both of you, Andrea, Rosa, for your time and for helping us know more about you, mamis.

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